Michael set me up. I was afraid – I was afraid to love Katie, but I loved her. Michael set up a conversation and led me down a path where I agreed it would be nice to have money because I was trying to be an artist. Yes, I admitted – it would be nice to not worry about money Michael. And then he goes and tells her to her face. And she comes to me and I don’t know what to say. He set me up Katie and you believed him. I lost you. She wouldn’t talk to me after that. I had a feeling of emptiness – a loneliness – what had always been there but then missing someone I’d fallen in love with. And just knowing she was somewhere else. She was upset and she believed him and then walked away and she wouldn’t talk to me after that. The same with with Megan. She and I had worked it out and I was the happiest I’d ever been in my life…and I fell down. Michael kicked me in the face and I lost the feeling. And I lost Megan. The next year he was prying me for information about the child abuse and neglect I’d experienced then he an Emily were bringing it up at parties and laughing in my face. All these things hurt my mind. They all affected my ability to learn and concentrate and losing these people after everything I had done to stay alive. And then Melissa and then I went down the rabbit hole. Who doesn’t care? None of these people. They’re all married and nobody looked for me. And here I am, still just trying to be the man I set out to be. These things they are doing destroy lives. I didn’t get to have love. It’s years of joy that I don’t have because these people wanted to trash me. Solitude and pain. Loss, horror. I support all my friends. They all have love. I lost the love I fought so hard to stay alive to find. And then he calls me crazy. That’s your friend. And they have all turned their backs on me. I ask myself how I stay alive. I have loved so deeply and lost so much.
I have been violated in every way imaginable. This isn’t hyperbole, it’s a fact. An American man – a man of faith. There are people in this world who want to destroy you BECAUSE you care. I’m not complaining. I’m not even going to explain it. I just know – I’ve seen it and I’ve gone all the way to the bottom because I was trying to make a difference. That really must be the point, destroy the person before they can make a difference. I don’t have much hope for humanity. There are decent people of course. And I make an effort to be positive. But I’m totally destroyed. I still have to get up, get out there and make a living. I’m threadbare and broken. I think that’s what they wanted. If you want to be a leader you need to make sure you’re safe first. People will break you on purpose. I can’t even comprehend the motivation other than just contempt for life. People who enjoy creating pain and chaos. Are they born this way or are they transformed. And it is some kind of creator that would create beauty and pain at the same time. What thing creates itself and creates its own destruction? Abstractly, the willfulness of the human animal to destroy itself. There is no force to stop it from happening, none that I know. All you can do is steer clear of the danger, and that is the thing that one would need to teach or be taught. How to be safe. We cannot liberate humanity. It will be consumed by itself, and on some level that really must be what creation is destined to be. I made the choice to be good, to know good. To decide for myself what is right and wrong. But I fight every part of myself that would take pleasure in the destruction of another. Even when they’ve hurt me. I simple choose not to be engaged in it any more. My path led me to a terminal place. Isolation, pain and despair. That is something, to have been created for an experience like this, and to have fought for my humanity. I am imperfect and I was thrown down. But the spiritual truth I discovered is what I live for, and I am this man for others who know the terror. I lost – I search for another clinging to hope, who needs me too.
You can’t say to someone – I’m going to ruin your life. You can’t put that in writing. That’s a threat. You can’t say, “I’m going to ruin your life,” and send an email. You can’t say it out loud in front of witnesses. When Steve kicks me in the face he doesn’t expect to have a witness. It’s a look. And Steve thinks I’m below him now. But Steve doesn’t know who he’s BEEPING with. If you want to play a game with someone’s future and someone’s soul you better be prepared for battle. And worry about God. I think Veronica has a pr…I think Veronica has a pr…I think Veronica has a PR problem.
I just finished my first screenplay. When you have a story sitting in your brain like I do – it’s been wonderful to finally let it out. There is now space in my mind for healing…there were an incredible amount of thoughts and emotions connected to souls I wish not to have come into contact with. It’s amazing the amount of damage the willfulness a dark empath can bring to a person’s life. It is an incredible amount of time and energy dedicated to their work. And the strangest thing is the only way they can take from you is if you care about them in the first place. What a sad way to live. Stay clear. I think these people, as I get free from the pain they’ve caused me will find themselves in a new realm soon. A place where the damage they’ve done to others will finally come closing in around them. That is because I know this has been a battle of the spirit. The work I’ve done exploring the realms of consciousness have brought me closer to pain and death than I ever expected. I have survived that. Now, as a man the challenges I can endure, emotionally, are prison walls to these unkind people. I can turn them onto their backs. And that is because they never thought to and never began the work they would have needed to be truly free. I don’t worry about these people any more. They are falling further and further away in space and time…and the unfortunate connection I’ve had to them is finally severing. Because, in the end, wasn’t it really something about me they wanted to prevent from taking form. Something they despised. What a waste of life for them. What a total waste of their humanity. Yes, the walls of the prison are closing in. And the pain they created will become their pain. I don’t care to stay around and watch them crushed by the weight. I am a free man. Most people are stuck in a maze. I am free to meet you at your door. Call to me – I’ll come.
I’m a Genius.
I’ve got to stop trying to win people back over and just start trying to love again and make art. I wished so much to explain to you what happened and I went back to the beginning. I let pieces of the truth out. When anybody tries to find their way back to me – it’s been here for you all the time. I was here all the time waiting. Shitbags don’t define me – I lost my childhood and I lost my best chances for love when I was in college because of Michael. The pain I’ve lived with is beyond your comprehension. And here I am reforming my image. If you want to know me, then know me. I was trying to make the right decisions and people tripped me up on purpose. When I find that love again I’ll be ready. I won’t let anybody like Michael destroy my life again. He was always there undermining me. I don’t really understand it. But I can tell you, the life I lost was so much more beautiful. And here I’ve been my whole life fighting to be beautiful and nobody saw it or wanted to help. You’ll see it all before this is done. My soul exists in my work. You really have to see me on TV or have someone else tell you. That’s something I really have to get over. This has been one long SMH. I’m telling what happened now because I didn’t know what to do. This isn’t about picking sides. It’s about the truth and it’s about pain. Deep-faking and undermining is part of the game. That community does not have my back and these people I lost don’t love how I love. I have had to fight so hard to get here.
I’m not bad – I’m gonzo.
Sometimes alienation and loneliness are the result of self-respect. And if you were wrong about me – you were wrong.
For me it’s just time to enjoy life and make art. I faced my loss and anger and I’ve come to see that staying upset really just gets in the way of being happy. I did what I can. You can fight for it or you can say goodbye. And even if the meaning is there, if the opposite isn’t ready, you can’t make it connect. I figured out what the meaning is to me. And I suppose, I had to go through what I went through. It couldn’t have been any other way. My limitations and the conflicts and mistakes – they happened. There wasn’t someone to meet me halfway. And that can be the I’m not good enough idea or it could be they don’t really understand. I’m thinking, after we die – the story we tell ourselves is over. My stupid trip was a stupid trip to be meaningful like the heroes I found. I don’t even think the world looks at artists the same way. If I don’t mean what I think I mean – even to my friends, then I’m wasting a lot of my time worrying about it. Everyone has plenty of information. The thing really got sorted and I decided not to be a part of something I didn’t want to be a part of any more. I talked about what was wrong. Some people care and some people don’t. I’m not Asian. And if I have to be popular to have them care…we really aren’t friends. I just won’t come around. So that’s where I am. Making sure it matters. I’m leaving the West soon. It’s over. Wish I could have done more, honestly. Or what I was doing was just the wrong thing, or I’m just a fuckup and I don’t quite realize it. But to get someone’s attention, really – is pretty hard to do any more. Everyone’s going to work and it has to be really dialed in. Is that really art? People don’t have time for it, not most people. I guess I’m not done but I’m starting to feel peaceful about it. The war may go on inside others but it’s ending for me because I just don’t want to be so disappointed all the time.