Casey Hallas Art

Church

When I move to Omaha I’m going to join a Unitarian Congregation. I believe in something greater than myself – I experienced it firsthand. It’s not “Casey thinks” – it’s something I know. I know, it was outside of my timeline. It informed my life from 1996 to present day. I just wouldn’t accept the dogma or hypocrisy. A lie that is used to perpetuate control is a crime against humanity. So what is the truth? I don’t know exactly, but I’ve been studying the question my entire life. I’m starting over. I’m starting over with a focus on health, family and community. You cannot draw arbitrary lines in who deserves to be valued and expect to be treated better. That is a lie. How many times have I experienced these value judgments? The safest place for me is in the flock. I can’t keep going on alone.

Endings

I’m at an ending. Everything I fought for – I see it in context, doesn’t matter. My voice is irrelevant – therefore, it’s the end for me. I’d say – painting, as a medium is inconsequential…or that it is, in itself, the sole meaning of what it seeks. I don’t want to politicize beauty. It’s wrong. And if you don’t think I’m beautiful, you missed the point. Society destroys innocence. It feeds on pain. You can’t SAY anything and have a voice. Our society isn’t about that. It’s about grand-standing and shame. I’m bowing out. I lost everything. My own conceit – my own need to be meaningful destroyed my life. It’s a good feeling to know it. It’s not like I had much of a chance anyway. At least now I’ll be more efficient at sorting who/what I will tolerate. These are opinions, and it’s all heading to disaster. The meaning is connection…achievement itself, is a construct. Who are you to be popular with? People who don’t do anything. What do they know anyway? You tell me something is meaningful – I’ll tell you about who is dying for you to say so. I’ve seen it. It’s collapsing. So what’s a poor painter going to be able to do about any of it? Nothing. That’s always been the reality. People create this horrorscape. You either get played in it, you’re part of it or you’re naive. It’s destruction and it’s going to get a lot worse. What does liberalism do for me? It shits on my sacrifice. I just want to go home. I just want to be held. I feel broken. They don’t call it pain-ting for nothing.

Justice

The best justice is preventative justice. My dad encouraged me to be an artist and to go to a liberal arts college and I was sure I had the talent be successful at it. This is a LONG shot – really, the rarest way to make your way in the world, but I was absolutely convinced I could be one of the greats. That’s why the betrayal I experienced is difficult to accept. Someone from my own discipline played me so hard it damaged my mind. And then to pretend he’s concerned. I don’t want to be a part of any of it any more. I lost – I lost out on a life. I was walking wounded. I’m here trying to recover, still. Standing up for myself cost me even more people. So I lost – BECAUSE I loved. BECAUSE I was trying to be a great artist – I got hurt. Because I trusted someone who I thought represented the values of the institution. He does, in fact, represent those values…betrayal, hurting someone at the start of their life. Stepping on the romantic dream. You people have no idea the horror I experienced. But even the loss of one of my dear friends – another blow to the heart – doesn’t measure up to the freedom of no longer being angry about my failure. The pain was in the way of everything. The nature of reality, the creation of loss – that is the common experience I’ve come to know. That makes me an artist of even greater potential. It’s the human experience I make the art for and about. All these people who gave up, they gave up. I don’t need to worry about it. The choice has been clear. But I know something about FAIR. I know something about what’s worth fighting for. This is what helps me move on.

If/When

I can’t play the if/when game any more. I value myself, I see my potential a certain way and other people see it differently. There is always a bias present – and I know, if I’m VALUED differently – then you would have tried harder to stay in my life. It’s very simple. I’m going to keep going regardless. I’m just not going to keep these attachments any longer. I’m too old for “I told you so.” I’m too tired. Time to retire this sentiment. I just wish people hadn’t hurt me on purpose. There’s no excuse for it. They fucked my life up intentionally when I was trying to start over and heal.

Prayer

I pray for you not to meet people like those I met at Grinnell. People who will take you down and prevent you from success in life. Whatever their motivations may be – the damage they bring BECAUSE you care is obscene. These snakes live like the rock is never going to be turned over. You lose over and over again. I’m at my final stage of cleanup and the last round cost me one more set of people I love. I pray for the innocent and I pray for justice.

Liberals

Justice isn’t blind to these people. It depends on how much they think you’re worth and who they think is watching.

Can’t

You can’t say to someone – I’m going to ruin your life. You can’t put that in writing. That’s a threat. You can’t say, “I’m going to ruin your life,” and send an email. You can’t say it out loud in front of witnesses. When Steve kicks me in the face he doesn’t expect to have a witness. It’s a look. And Steve thinks I’m below him now. But Steve doesn’t know who he’s BEEPING with. If you want to play a game with someone’s future and someone’s soul you better be prepared for battle. And worry about God. I think Veronica has a pr…I think Veronica has a pr…I think Veronica has a PR problem.

Spirituality

I just finished my first screenplay. When you have a story sitting in your brain like I do – it’s been wonderful to finally let it out. There is now space in my mind for healing…there were an incredible amount of thoughts and emotions connected to souls I wish not to have come into contact with. It’s amazing the amount of damage the willfulness a dark empath can bring to a person’s life. It is an incredible amount of time and energy dedicated to their work. And the strangest thing is the only way they can take from you is if you care about them in the first place. What a sad way to live. Stay clear. I think these people, as I get free from the pain they’ve caused me will find themselves in a new realm soon. A place where the damage they’ve done to others will finally come closing in around them. That is because I know this has been a battle of the spirit. The work I’ve done exploring the realms of consciousness have brought me closer to pain and death than I ever expected. I have survived that. Now, as a man the challenges I can endure, emotionally, are prison walls to these unkind people. I can turn them onto their backs. And that is because they never thought to and never began the work they would have needed to be truly free. I don’t worry about these people any more. They are falling further and further away in space and time…and the unfortunate connection I’ve had to them is finally severing. Because, in the end, wasn’t it really something about me they wanted to prevent from taking form. Something they despised. What a waste of life for them. What a total waste of their humanity. Yes, the walls of the prison are closing in. And the pain they created will become their pain. I don’t care to stay around and watch them crushed by the weight. I am a free man. Most people are stuck in a maze. I am free to meet you at your door. Call to me – I’ll come.

Finishing up

I’ve got to stop trying to win people back over and just start trying to love again and make art. I wished so much to explain to you what happened and I went back to the beginning. I let pieces of the truth out. When anybody tries to find their way back to me – it’s been here for you all the time. I was here all the time waiting. Shitbags don’t define me – I lost my childhood and I lost my best chances for love when I was in college because of Michael. The pain I’ve lived with is beyond your comprehension. And here I am reforming my image. If you want to know me, then know me. I was trying to make the right decisions and people tripped me up on purpose. When I find that love again I’ll be ready. I won’t let anybody like Michael destroy my life again. He was always there undermining me. I don’t really understand it. But I can tell you, the life I lost was so much more beautiful. And here I’ve been my whole life fighting to be beautiful and nobody saw it or wanted to help. You’ll see it all before this is done. My soul exists in my work. You really have to see me on TV or have someone else tell you. That’s something I really have to get over. This has been one long SMH. I’m telling what happened now because I didn’t know what to do. This isn’t about picking sides. It’s about the truth and it’s about pain. Deep-faking and undermining is part of the game. That community does not have my back and these people I lost don’t love how I love. I have had to fight so hard to get here.

Cost

Sometimes alienation and loneliness are the result of self-respect. And if you were wrong about me – you were wrong.